Night #109 - Let's Play Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian - Part 3

Called "Trouble in Washington," and from the sounds of things, I think we're finally getting back on track, but after learning last night that "Flashback" was an achievement and not actual character back story, I really don't have very many expectations going in. Please, let us pray.

Okay, now that that's over, let's keep going and hope for the best.

"We who are about to be packed salute you!" - HELL yes!

At least this part actually shows us Dexter committing the act of thievery behind the plot in the first place, if only for, like, two seconds. I feel like something more important should be given a little more weight.

Oh, Christ. I kind of forgot how grating it is to me to hear some foreigner speak Jed's lines. You're not Owen Wilson! GTFO Mo-fo! And what's more, the scene doesn't even play out right: in the movie, it was Nick and Larry back-and-forthing over Larry setting up dinner for three with take-out Chinese when the phone call comes in, just a bit before eight. Here, it's 1:47 in the morning and Larry is long since in bed. In fact, his son isn't even in this. Is that supposed to be our part? What the hell?

"This is the sarcophagus of the pharaoh Kahmunrah, a Fourth Dynasty tyrant chiefly known for his reign of terror across Egypt. A sarcophagus is a funeral receptacle for a dead body, most often carved or cut from stone and designed to stand above ground."

Why the hell does he have an awards room in the Smithsonian. I know this is an achievements-based game, or at least I get the concept, but still: it is the most illogical place to put such a thing.

Is Brunden "Mitch" in this version? And where's the pages and pages of improv? Seriously! I don't think I'll survive this game at this rate.

The Amelia Earhart waxwork in this game looks pretty good, though.

The gigantic octopus made it into this game! Huzzah! But for real: "Magic time"? That sounds like a euphemism for sex, or something someone who's really good at sex would say to describe the experience.

Oh, my God, Kahmunrah sounds like shit! This is nothing like his "Boris Karloff is lisping" impression. DEAR GOD WHY?????????? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY? At least now I know what to use as torture should I ever become a totalitarian dictator.

How does Kahmunrah know Larry? Does the tablet confer instant magical knowledge on who all has guarded it? Me no gets it!

So in the game, Al, Ivan, and Napoleon signed on before all the men got stuck in the V-J Day photo. I'm not sure whether to start begging for death or throw up my hands and say, "Ah, fuck it." And his fangirl moment is done terribly. So, sooooooo badly.

The spell...the point of which is apparently to summon the birdmen/prep the gate for opening...again, suspension of disbelief pretty much shot.

"Take me to it. NOWWWW!" "You ever tried breath mints?" -Kahmunrah and Larry, after the Cube of Rhubarb/Rubik exchange. It is, in fact, a small puzzle box of doom.

It took much longer than is shown (and a death) for Blackjackkent to figure her way to the proper exit without dying. And apparently health is a concern, because why the fuck not?

"By Jupiter I was drowning in lint!" - And Custer sounds just as bad as pretty much everyone else. Let's just accept the fact that people in this game sound terrible, look worse, and have the brain cells of the Goldfish I'm currently eating.

Poor disappointed Octavius. Doesn't get to lead his great, glorious army into battle against things sixty times his size or bigger. I almost feel bad for him, except that it's funny, too.

This is the part where I discover the game's use as a torture device. As usual the voice acting and the rendering of the characters (in an age with such realistic CGI, too) are terrible. The plot loosely follows that of the movie so far but takes huge liberties with structure, timing, intros, and mythology (and that's the worst, really, in my book, because you're fucking with the one cohesive, coherent thing which pulls everything else in this franchise together). It's starting to feel like Star of Heaven at this point, but has two saving graces instead of the one: witty repartee, and a funny, every-girl narrator. There are a few interesting things to learn, like the sentence above about Kahmunrah, which I dearly wish was expounded upon (and for the record, Fourth Dynasty was closer to five thousand than three thousand years ago. I ran the numbers here and figured the fictional reigns of our two brothers to fall somewhere toward the end of the New Kingdom and start of the Third Intermediate Period). Other than that, however....again, let us pray.

Next on "For the Love of Night at the Museum": Part four of this back and forth infernal mess: "Napoleon and a Monkey." Oh, dear God, what have we gotten ourselves into?

Countdown: 264 Days to NATM 3.